What Goes on Behind the Scenes
by Skyskater
Summary: Ever wondered what goes behind the scenes at Hogwarts? Here's your chance to find out. Rated T for some bad language.
1. Chapter 1

Some person told me that script format wasn't allowed. Well...I don't think so because many people have script form stories, and they've been around for years and nobody's told them that script format isn't allowed. So...lol. Enjoy the story.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Harry: Hi! My name is Harry, uhh...Harry, Harry, LINE!...Oh right...It's Potter. Harry Potter. Wait...are you sure about this? I look more like a Bob to me! Oh anyway... I have this bestest best friend in the whole wide world who I always, I...I mean, NEVER forget! Yeah...yeah, that's good. His name is...uhh...oh yeah its...no, that's not it. Wait...is my best friend a boy or a girl? Wait...what if its...BOTH? (dun dun dun)

Ron: It's Ron Weasley! And yes, I am an fing boy in case you haven't noticed for the past 3 years!

Harry: Oh I remember now! It's Ro...no wait, that can't be right. Hey! Wait a second, it's all coming back to me now! Her name is Hermione Granger. She's like the smartest person in the whole school, and...

Ron: No, No, NO! You met me before you met her! Remember? On the carriage? We've been friends for three years and you don't even know my name! Say it with me now!  
R-O-N W-E-A-S-L-E-Y!

Harry: Oh right! How could I forget him, of all people? That is incredibly stupid of me to forget HIM. His name is Cedric Diggory. Man, he and I share some REAL good memories. Good times...good times...(please note that this is the fourth year of Hogwarts, otherwise Cedric wouldn't BE in this story at all)

Ron: You've got it all wrong! For the last time, its RON WEASLEY!

Harry: Oh, of course! slaps forehead Is it even **POSSIBLE** for me to not remember this!

Mrs. Weasley: (cough cough)

Ron: Plug that piehole ma! He's on the verge of mentioning me!

Harry: Anyway, its now time to mention my bestest best friend in the whole widest world's name in front of the entire...

Ron: Just spit it out already!

Harry: Okay...his name is...drumroll

Dumbledore: It's now time for all students to report to their dormitories.

Ron: **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

five minutes later he's still screaming

Harry: Well, that's all the time we have today. Its too bad I didn't get to mention my best friend. You'd think a guy who's faced Voldemort would be more exciting than this huh? Well no duh, of course I am. It gets better later on. Trust me.

Announcer: This commercial broadcast is brought to you live from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry by Parry Hotter...no that's not right...Hotter Parry...or is it...Larry Sotter?

Harry: That's HARRY POTTER, you dweeb! Yeesh...people these days can't even get a simple name right...

Ron: Now you know how I feel!

Announcer: This commercial is sponsored by Barry Totter, Frosted Flakes, and Nike.

In the distance, Harry is screaming bloody murder about how his name is forgotten by everyone, even the announcer. Ron is struggling to calm him down while Harry is trying to kill the announcer with many jinxes and hexes. He's even tried to do some Unforgivable Curses. His yelling and ranting has awoken the merpeople and the giant squid and many innocent students are being flung into the air, along with some cows and horses. Harry can also be heard yelling, "**SCREW FROSTED FLAKES! AND FOR ALL I CARE, NIKE CAN KISS MY GOD DAMNED A$$!"**

A/N: Lol...if you want to review this story, review it with thanks to Sarah and Megan. Not to me. They are the original authors...although I added some parts. So...let's have a toast for Sarah and Megan!


	2. Voldemort a Special Guest

Hello this is the one of the three authors again. This is the one that owns the Fanfiction account. Don't ask why or how me and my friends thought of these ideas...we just do cuz we're silly like that.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. J. K. Rowling does.

In our last episode, we left Harry badmouthing Frosted Flakes and Nike, and Ron trying to calm him down. Now we are in the Gryffindor common room, with a special guest. Let's give it up to...LORD VOLDEMORT!

Voldemort: Hello my name is Voldemort...wait, Voldemort...umm, let me ponder on this curious matter for a moment.

Harry: This could take a while! So why not go get some snacks and a drink and we'll return soon after he sorts it out!

Voldemort: Nobody asked you, Potter! (raises wand) Avada...no, no BAD Voldemort. Remember, your therapist said if you wanted to get rid of these constant headaches you'll need to dispose of your bad and evil ways. Now. Where were we again?

Harry: You were **TRYING **to remember your own last name. You know, that happened to me just last episode! What a coincidence. Maybe if you just ask the announcer or something...

Voldemort: **SILENCE!** Oops, that sort of slipped out. Hey! I just remember now! I don't have a last name when I'm using VOLDEMORT! You can thank my mother for that...

Oh anyways, I'm so glad to be a special guest here. It's the nicest thing anybody has ever done to me in my entire life. (pulls out a hanky and blows nose) It's...so touching. ANYWAYS, you know Larry, right? The kid with messy black hair, lightning bolt shaped scar about this high. Well, yeah, me and Larry go WAAAAAY back.

Harry: **MY NAME'S NOT LARRY!** But yeah, we go WAAAAAAAY back. Especially for him, considering he's WAAAAAAY older than me. By like 50 years or something...

Voldemort: I'm not that fing old! I'm like...32. But yeah we go WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY back. Sometimes me and Barry here get together on the weekends to eat tea and crumpets in the Leaky Cauldron.

Harry: Yeah, once Tom here ate so much, he swelled up like an elephant!

Voldemort: (in a sarcastic tone) SURE, sure I did. Kids these days, just don't understand anything.

Harry: Wait! It was bigger than an elephant! More like a Muggle's blimp!

Voldemort: **DON'T MAKE ME KILL YOU, POTTER!**

Harry: Oh no you didn't! You did not just say that to me! Nobody ever uses that tone of voice with me! You can't kick me out of my own common room!

Voldemort: How much do you wanna bet on that?

Harry: Looks like somebody's not paying attention to the recommendations of their therapist!

Voldemort: **THAT'S IT! I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE!**

Harry and Lord Voldemort have started a vicious catfight around the common room, destroying everything that dares to get in their way. Oh look, now Harry's hair has caught on fire and Voldemort is rolling around on the floor laughing like a maniac. Harry is desperately trying to put his hair out while Voldemort gets a bucket of popcorn and an extra large soda to watch the entertaining show. Finally Harry puts his hair out. He hardly has any left, and the whole common room is burned to ashes.

Announcer: This broadcast is brought to you by Darry Motter, Rom Tiddle, and Hubba Bubba Max Bubble Gum. The whole new kind of bubble.

Voldemort and Harry start attacking the announcer.


	3. The Talent Show

Let's have a toast for me for this chapter, mainly because I wrote more than half of it. But raise your glasses to Sarah and Megan too, it was their idea. Is anyone drunk yet from all these toasts? Haha just kidding.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

In the last episode, we left Harry and Voldemor to kill the announcer for saying their names wrong. Fortunately the announcer was saved by none other than Albus Dumbledore, who decided if his castle was going to stay intact, the announcer should too.

Harry: Welcome to the third episode of Behind the Scenes! Today is a very special day for all of us. Hogwarts is going to have a TALENT SHOW! Yay! The suspense to see our contestants and their acts is killing me, and the best one is of course, ME!

It's all about me

And not about you

Cuz I'm more important

Than all of you!

No wonder Cedric died

He was protecting me

Cuz I'm more important

As you all can see!

(that was Harry's act, he was singin to the tune of Britney Spears)

Thank you! Thank you! I'll be in school all week!

(cricket cricket)

So anyway, let's turned the limelight to our next contestant, which unfortunately isn't me, but fortunately he's my best friend! Ron Cheezley!

Ron: Weasley, you bloody idiot!

Harry: Anyway, lets give it up for Won Reezley!

Ron: Bloody hell, Harry, my name is Ron Weasley!

Harry: Ron will be performing Mary had a Little Lamb: Ron Edition. Hit it, DJ!

(goes to the tune of Mary had a Little Lamb)

Ron: I fear Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort.

I fear Voldemort, cuz he's really creepy.

He looks like he's about to die, about to die, about to die.

He looks like he's about to die because he's really old.

Voldemort has an ugly face, ugly face, ugly face, Voldemort has an ugly face, Yeah I'm talking to you!

Got a problem with that punk?

Harry: Very good, Roonil, but not as talented as I, the great Harry! Next we have Voldemort, my old pal, reciting poetry from the Dark Lord's soul.

Voldemort: Roses are red,

Violets are bluye,

Ron Weasley sucks

And so do all of you!

Harry: Well, that was boring. Our next contestant is Dumbledore! Give it up for the rappin headmaster!

Dumbledore: Wsup yall? D-Dawg in the house! My name is Dumbledore, let me hear you SCREAM.

(cricket cricket)

Now, to get some serious style rappin! (DJ Hits the song)

YO, Like totally! For sure! I just got a manicure!

Boom chicka boom chicka boom chicka boom!

The sun, I swear, it's messing up my gorgeous hair!

Boom chicka boom chicka boom chicka boom!

Raw, Raw, Fight fight gee, I hope I look alright!

Boom chicka boom chicka boom chicka boom!

My make up, its smearing, I just think I lost my earring!

Boom chicka boom chicka boom chicka boom!

26, 24, I don't know the stupid score!

Boom chickaboom chicka boom chicka boom!

Boom chicka boom chicka boom chicka boom!

Boom chicka boom chicka boom chicka boom!

**WORD!**

Harry: Okay, right. Anyways, give it up for the mad dog himself, literally, Malfoy!

(Malfoy walks on stage in a cheer leading outfit, green and silver of course)

Malfoy: Yo, my name is Malfoy! I live on Cherry Lane, its very pretty there, just don't mess up my pretty hair!

YES, YES YES!

My girlfriend, she dumped me, it really really bugs me!

YES, YES, YES!

Harry, he's scary, I wish my name was Larry!

YES, YES, YES!

Harry: Um...thanks Malfoy, or should I say Larry? And he thinks I'M scary! Now, back to the showing of the talents, yada yada yada, now give it to Mrs. Norris and her poetry!

Mrs. Norris: Cough, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, Word!

Filch is the only one standing up and clapping: Yeah! Yeah! WHOOHOOO! Yeah! That cat has such a way with words!

Harry: Ahem?

Filch: Sorry, got carried away. (sits down)

Harry: And our final contestant of the night...Hermeanie Badger!

Hermione: That's Hermione Granger!

Harry: Whatever, Give it up for Mione Ranger!

Hermione: It's Hermeanie Badger! I mean, Hermione Granger! Ready to jazz up this non-talent show with some real talent yall? Then let me bring you some righteous break dancing yo!

(Hermione starts break dancing "righteously")

Harry: Wow folks! I've seen pretty bad dancers, but that has to be the WORST dance I have ever seen!

(Hermione slaps Harry)

Hermione: You got dissed, punk!

Harry: Give it up for Heromi Nagger!

Hermione: That's Mione Ranger! I mean, Hermeanie Badger! I mean, OH FORGET IT!

Harry: Isn't she wonderful, folks? Give it up for Mihernie Ragner!

Hermione: Shut up already!

Harry: Now for the moment you all been waiting for, ladies and germs, the award ceremony! And the winner is...(Harry opens envelope) ME! Time for my encore!

Harry's encore

_**Cedric was on fire.**_

_**He had desires, but who was his killer.**_

_**I will not tell you because I don't want to.**_

_**I will not tell you.**_

_**Don't ask me why cause I ain't saying it was Sirius Black, cause its not.**_

_**Ain't sayin its Filch's cat, cuz its not**_

_**Aint sayin its the basilisk cuz its not **_

_**But I'll never ever really say who killed Cedric that day.**_

_**Not sayin it was Cheezley (WEASLEY!)**_

_**Not sayin it was Badger (GRANGER!)**_

_**Not sayin it was Dumb Door (Do you want detention young man?)**_

_**Not sayin it was Voldedork (VOLDEMORT!)**_

_**But I'll never ever really say that Voldemort killed Cedric that day!**_

_**OOPS... **_

_**(goes to the tune of the Backstreet Boys)**_

Crowd: BOO! BOO! (throws a variety of fruits and food at Harry)

Harry: Ow! Ahh! Ouch! Hey! Who threw that tomato at my eye? Ahh! My eye! MY EYE! IT BURNS!

A/N: Thank you all for takin the time to read this story. Sarah Megan and I really appreciate it. Look forward to a sequel.


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